SO many things to say! my brain is moving too fast. I dont think I will bother saying much about my partner, except that we are still together, he is still smoking dope and being a bit of a downer sometimes. I can tell he is really depressed, he is very down on himself, and I would love for him to get some professional help. I booked him an appt with our GP, just to go and talk and have somewhere he can let out some of his frustration. I hope he goes. He says he will. After all the shit we have been through, the shit he has put me through; I still love him. It would have been easy to walk away if I didn't.......
Our baby is now 3 months old. A gorgeous little boy, who made a dramatic entrance into the world. I went into labour naturally, made my way to hospital in the wee hours of the morning, things were going fine, except my waters were not quite right, so they decided to rupture the bag properly (it hadn't ruptured properly) so they could put a clip on my babies head to monitor him. I went from 6 cm dilated, to pushing! He was born in seconds......turns out he had pooed in utero and had inhaled it, and I gave birth to a limp, floppy, purple, not breathing baby. It was the scariest moment of my life. I went from pushing him out, to wondering if I would be planning his funeral........
Thankfully, he was resuscitated, he spent 5 days in the special care nursery, having tests etc. It was very hard to establish breastfeeding with this little one, as he was so exhausted from the trauma and was put on antibiotics which also made him sleepy, so I could only wake him for a couple mins at a time. It was a real struggle. He ended up having a nasal gastric tube put in and was basically force fed his milk, which I totally understand that he needed his nourishment, but it pissed me off after a while, as I saw it as him basically being given permission to not try. He could just lay there and sleep and have his belly filled with milk. On the 4th day, after he was finished with the antibiotics, his glucose level had risen back to normal, he had had all his shots and tests, and hadnt lost any weight, I convinced them to let me take him to my room and start the suck or starve method. He soon took to the breast :)
He is now laying in my lap, asleep on the boob as I type! Bless him.
I'm having trouble with my ex. My first son's father. We used to have an arrangement through a "contact center." Basically a place for ex's to use so they can have access to their children without having to have any contact at all with the other parent. He used to see him for 2 nights a fortnight. I'd drop my son off there and collect him from there two days later. However many many many times, his dad would cancel his visit at the last minute. I would get a phone call at 2pm from the contact center saying he had to cancel cos his boss wanted him to work on the weekend, when my son was due there at 4pm. B would get home from school and I would have to break it to him that his father had cancelled again. Countless times, I saw the heartbreak in my little boy's face. Countless times I had to deal with a hurt and angry child. Eventually I got sick of the cancellations, I would ask the people at the center to ask J to find a babysitter while he worked, or leave him with his girlfriend, who is a qualified childcarer, and I would be met with the response that they couldnt ask him to do that and if I wanted that, I would have to go through a lawyer! Eventually enough became enough. I am not his fucking puppet. He cant expect me to be okay with him cancelling all the time. Not to mention the pain he put my son through. So I stopped all contact. I told the contact center to tell him HE can go and see HIS fucking lawyer if he wants to see his son. I told my son that he wouldnt be seeing his dad for a while, because we had to sort this out. I would rather my little boy know his dad wont be there for a long while, than have is heart broken 3 fortnights out of 4. So, striaght away I applied to have mediation. I went in for my intake. And have heard NOTHING. Attempts have been made to contact J and he will not respond. I'm getting desperate. B is crying himself to sleep at night cos he misses his dad. I have even spoken to J's mother to see if she can talk some sense into him, but alas, J no longer speaks to his own mother, because she once visited my house to see her grandson! Im thinking that if he will throw away his relationship with his own mother, he would propbably do the same to his son.....This is not the outcome I was hoping for. I wanted him to step up and demand to see his son. All I was trying to do was get a gaurantee that he would do what he says he is gonna do. A gaurantee he will be there for his son. Instead he has turned this into an opportunity to relinquish all responsibility of him. B knows where his dad lives. I am thinking of getting him to write a letter to him and dropping it in his letterbox, or maybe ta king B to his dad's front door so he can at least ask him why.....it's so fucked up. I kinda wish I hadnt cancelled contact. At least B might be hurting less if I had kept it the way it was. I just wanted to make it better for him. It breaks my heart.
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