4 weeks to go.....

4 weeks to go til i'm due to give birth and things are still the same. he came home on the sunday after i had found out the awful truth about him injecting drugs again, I laid down the law (again) told him what he needs to do to build up my trust again, and 2 weeks later, its all back to the same old bullshit; he is not putting in the effort that I need to feel secure. For example: give up pot, give up cigs, let me know if he's not coming straight home, be there emotionally for me, be there physically and just hang with me, communicate with me honestly, pay the money he is supposed to give me every fortnight/week for food in full and on time, not go to certain people's houses, spend time with the kids. I know its only been 2 weeks and I cant expect most of these things to be immediate, but he is not even calling me after work to let me now he wont be home til after 8 cos he is at a mate's place smoking dope. I feel like my "demands" are a bit much, and I wouldnt normally be like this, but he betrayed me and I DON'T TRUST HIM, and he doesnt seem to care how much he hurts me. If I say anything about any of my issues, I get told I'm being a bitch and he is too old to be told what to do. He is 32 years old and stuck in the mind of a 16 year old. I'm sick of his self destructive behaviour.

Our agreement when it comes to money is that I pay the $350 a week rent and he gives me $350 in cash (he earns mostly cash in hand) to spend however much i need to on food and nappies and the rest I put towards our inevitable bills. Therefore in a roundabout way, we are going halves in the maintaining of our household yeah? So, as usual, he comes home this friday and I have to ask him for food money and he says, "I only have some of it" so I let it go and wait til the next day, write a small shopping list and ask him to take me to do the groceries (I don't have my license yet) and he says "cant it wait til Tuesday? I'm waiting for a cheque to clear."

Hm......can I wait til tuesday to buy milk for my 18 month old son???

So, I remind him he told me he has some of the food money and he tells me he only has $150 which he needs for his dope, smokes and petrol!!! FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!!
Why the fuck am I still here?

To top it off, I get told that I should go back to work after I have this baby, and I say "yes that would be great, I will then pay all the bills buy the food and you can continue to smoke your fucking dope" (sarcastically of course)
So, I'm now expected to cook, clean, maintain a household, raise my babies and work a full time job, so he can continue to live his self destructive life and destroy mine in the process!?!?!?!?!?!
This is a joke right? Is this really my life? Why am I doing this to myself and my kids? I have to get out of here. Or get him out of here. It sux tho, because I want him to want us around, and I have given him hundreds of "second chances" and it's really starting to hit home how little he cares.

He wont have sex with me when I ask him to. Again, this is my fault and have caused this, because, in his mind when we first got together, he "needed" it 2-3 times a day and couldnt function without sex. I however, had been sexually abused numerous times and ended up in hospital, very ill, and seeing a psychologist because of my negative associations surrounding sex and intimacy. I found it very difficult to be intimate, what with the flashbacks and negative feelings, but quite often did it anyway to please him. Yet he got it in his mind that me saying no to sex or having a lower sex drive than him was because I "must have been getting it somewhere else"
Now, 4 years down the track, I am still seeing my psychologist, dealing with my issues, doing the best I can to be the best partner I can possibly be. But now, I ask him to have sex with me or use a sex toy in the shower with me or just be intimate and he says
"no, you go ahead and play. you please yourself. You have "trained" me not to need it anymore. Thanks by the way for changing the way I think about sex, cos now I dont even really want to do it at all."
WTF!?!?!?! I trained him??? Oh god. I cant do this anymore.......

where to now?

Okay, so I'm new to blogging. I have started this because a friend of mine said it may be a good way to cope and deal with the mess of a life I am living.
I have been in a relationship with a man for 4 years. I am pregnant with our 2nd baby, but all up it will be child number 5 for us. I am due to give birth in 6 weeks.
Things have been pretty rocky for a while now, probably a year or more, but i have been hanging on so tightly, trying to make it work. I really do love him, but he blames me for everything, all our issues, all his faults, all our arguments, everything. It's all my fault apparently.
We recently had a family violence order (FVO) issued because of our fighting and his abuse toward me. He has served time in jail before for breaching an order. That was not when I was in his life, it was before I met him. When I did meet him, he was whacking up speed and treating himself really badly. But he fell in love with me and told me he would do anything to be with me including get off drugs. Which he did.
Yesterday I found out he has been back on the needles for probably more than 12 months. I cant get a straight answer from him, so I dont know exactly how long its been going on. He is being very quiet about it all. Not his usual way of defending himself. Usually I would be screamed at and abused and told I'm a worthless piece of shit. That's his way of defending himself. But he has been well and trully busted and is being very quiet.
I have told him before that he is a grown man and can chose to go back to his drugs if he wants, (he has expressed his desires before and made it clear he misses the rush of his needles) however if he chooses to do that, he is choosing a life without me and his kids in it. I trully believed him when he told me he loved me and would do what it takes to be a family. And now, 6 weeks away from having another baby. I am alone. I am scared. I am broken. Where to from here?