I am starting to despise him. I look at him and am not even attracted physically to him anymore. I realised this morning that I do love him, but I love him like you love an old friend, a friend with faults who you know and love and have made allowances for their faults. However, when it comes to our relationship and his fathering; I hate the fucking bastard. He is absent, closed, abusive, neglectful, selfish, childish and arrogant. He has no regard for my feelings. The fact I am due to give birth in 4 weeks has no effect on the way he treats me, I am expected to look after him like he is a child.......
I told him recently that I see the bigger picture and if he gets off the dope, he will surely be able to look into his future with a bit more clarity and see what needs to be done for our family......and he remarked
"for fucks sake, I ran away from home when I was 14 because I wasn't "allowed" to smoke dope."
OMFG! He is trapped in the mind of a 14 year old! He literally has not emotionally grown since he was a teenager! Yesterday's remark was something similar;
"I'm too old to be told what to do..."
"I'd be better off financially if I didn't have kids....."
"Gee it'll be nice when you go back to work...."
"fuck you, you sarcastic fucking bitch...."
I am starting to make peace with the fact that he really just doesn't care about the future of our family. I see myself as a single mother, and I'm starting to be okay with that. Of course it hurts, and I will probably resent him for a very long time, as he lied to me and fooled me and had me believe that all I had to do was prove to him that I wasn't going to abandon him and everything would work out fine. In reality, he is a childish fucking liar who fooled and deceived me. I committed myself to him, had two of his babies, looked after his other children like they are my own, and now will most likely end up alone. Of course I resent him, I despise him and when I can figure out how to do this on my own, he will be OUT. It's easier said than done. But far out, my life has got to be worth more than this. I deserve better. My kids DEFINITELY deserve better, and if I stay in this bullshit abusive relationship, I will be showing them that it's okay to put up with neglect and abuse. And that it's okay to "settle" for a shit life.
