Okay, so I'm new to blogging. I have started this because a friend of mine said it may be a good way to cope and deal with the mess of a life I am living.
I have been in a relationship with a man for 4 years. I am pregnant with our 2nd baby, but all up it will be child number 5 for us. I am due to give birth in 6 weeks.
Things have been pretty rocky for a while now, probably a year or more, but i have been hanging on so tightly, trying to make it work. I really do love him, but he blames me for everything, all our issues, all his faults, all our arguments, everything. It's all my fault apparently.
We recently had a family violence order (FVO) issued because of our fighting and his abuse toward me. He has served time in jail before for breaching an order. That was not when I was in his life, it was before I met him. When I did meet him, he was whacking up speed and treating himself really badly. But he fell in love with me and told me he would do anything to be with me including get off drugs. Which he did.
Yesterday I found out he has been back on the needles for probably more than 12 months. I cant get a straight answer from him, so I dont know exactly how long its been going on. He is being very quiet about it all. Not his usual way of defending himself. Usually I would be screamed at and abused and told I'm a worthless piece of shit. That's his way of defending himself. But he has been well and trully busted and is being very quiet.
I have told him before that he is a grown man and can chose to go back to his drugs if he wants, (he has expressed his desires before and made it clear he misses the rush of his needles) however if he chooses to do that, he is choosing a life without me and his kids in it. I trully believed him when he told me he loved me and would do what it takes to be a family. And now, 6 weeks away from having another baby. I am alone. I am scared. I am broken. Where to from here?
Hugs hunni. It will get easier, I promise.
ReplyDeleteYou're not alone. And there is always another way and a brighter day. Its just up to you how long you wait to be happy.
ReplyDeleteThis man will never be happy or content with the life you're offering until he gets over his love for the drugs. You must understand drug addiction is a disease.
Maybe the best choice is to leave. Make a clean, abuse free life for yourself and most importanly your babies;)
While you're doing this, if he loves you and the kids he'll seek help to sort himself out.
He has to want to change to be able to recover. Doesn't matter what you say to him, the addiction is stronger then any words.
Actions will speak louder to him.
You and your kids deserve a clean, happy, healthy life.
Good luck and again, you're not alone, we all go through shit times. But best of all, they do end and better times ahead.
You have to make the best decision for yourself & your babies. It will get easier in time. In your heart you will know what the best thing to do is. Big hugs for you!
ReplyDeleteI have been exactly where you are and I just wanted to say that 'deserving better for yourself hurts and I know how hard you are hanging on...be kind to yourself at this time and whenever you feel down and upset just look into one of your kids faces - their light will help guide you and lift you up.
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