Job Description:
Team players required for a once in a lifetime opportunity (you hope) The work environment is often chaotic and activites seemingly pointless therefore candidates must possess excellent organisational and communication skills as well as have the patience of a saint. Must be willing to work outside of normal office hours including weekends and nights and be available on call 24 hrs a day 7 days a week. Must have a full drivers license and be willing to travel to endless sporting events and parties. Other frequent fetching and carrying required at short notice. Your own 7 seater (or similar) vehicle is preffered. Travel expenses not included.
Promotion prospects:
Virtually none. You are to remain in the same position for many years without complaining. You will be required to update your knowledge and skills on a regular basis until those under your supervision leave you behind for bigger and better things. Promotion to Grandma is not guaranteed and involves re-training and the resumption of on-call duties such as babysitting and food preparation.
Experience Required:
None. (no courses currently available) exhaustive on-the-job training offered.
Salary:
Starting salary is nil. Rising to nil. In fact, you pay them, offering frequent pay increases and bonuses for doing next to nothing. On their birthdays a one of payment
is required. You must also fund their educations on the premise that on completion, they will no longer need your deep pockets and will become financially independent. When you die, if you do have anything left, you give it to them.
Benefits:
While there is no health insurance, no super, no sick leave, no tuition and no holidays, the oportunities for personal growth are limitless. Plus if you play your cards right, free hugs for life! And don't forget Mother's Day!
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Not Coping.....
Things are getting on top of me. I should be able to cope. But I find myself wanting to cry and run away. Or hurt myself. Or worse. I have been through hell. But so have loads of other people and they have managed. So why can't I?
Slow down crazy thoughts!
SO many things to say! my brain is moving too fast. I dont think I will bother saying much about my partner, except that we are still together, he is still smoking dope and being a bit of a downer sometimes. I can tell he is really depressed, he is very down on himself, and I would love for him to get some professional help. I booked him an appt with our GP, just to go and talk and have somewhere he can let out some of his frustration. I hope he goes. He says he will. After all the shit we have been through, the shit he has put me through; I still love him. It would have been easy to walk away if I didn't.......
Our baby is now 3 months old. A gorgeous little boy, who made a dramatic entrance into the world. I went into labour naturally, made my way to hospital in the wee hours of the morning, things were going fine, except my waters were not quite right, so they decided to rupture the bag properly (it hadn't ruptured properly) so they could put a clip on my babies head to monitor him. I went from 6 cm dilated, to pushing! He was born in seconds......turns out he had pooed in utero and had inhaled it, and I gave birth to a limp, floppy, purple, not breathing baby. It was the scariest moment of my life. I went from pushing him out, to wondering if I would be planning his funeral........
Thankfully, he was resuscitated, he spent 5 days in the special care nursery, having tests etc. It was very hard to establish breastfeeding with this little one, as he was so exhausted from the trauma and was put on antibiotics which also made him sleepy, so I could only wake him for a couple mins at a time. It was a real struggle. He ended up having a nasal gastric tube put in and was basically force fed his milk, which I totally understand that he needed his nourishment, but it pissed me off after a while, as I saw it as him basically being given permission to not try. He could just lay there and sleep and have his belly filled with milk. On the 4th day, after he was finished with the antibiotics, his glucose level had risen back to normal, he had had all his shots and tests, and hadnt lost any weight, I convinced them to let me take him to my room and start the suck or starve method. He soon took to the breast :)
He is now laying in my lap, asleep on the boob as I type! Bless him.
I'm having trouble with my ex. My first son's father. We used to have an arrangement through a "contact center." Basically a place for ex's to use so they can have access to their children without having to have any contact at all with the other parent. He used to see him for 2 nights a fortnight. I'd drop my son off there and collect him from there two days later. However many many many times, his dad would cancel his visit at the last minute. I would get a phone call at 2pm from the contact center saying he had to cancel cos his boss wanted him to work on the weekend, when my son was due there at 4pm. B would get home from school and I would have to break it to him that his father had cancelled again. Countless times, I saw the heartbreak in my little boy's face. Countless times I had to deal with a hurt and angry child. Eventually I got sick of the cancellations, I would ask the people at the center to ask J to find a babysitter while he worked, or leave him with his girlfriend, who is a qualified childcarer, and I would be met with the response that they couldnt ask him to do that and if I wanted that, I would have to go through a lawyer! Eventually enough became enough. I am not his fucking puppet. He cant expect me to be okay with him cancelling all the time. Not to mention the pain he put my son through. So I stopped all contact. I told the contact center to tell him HE can go and see HIS fucking lawyer if he wants to see his son. I told my son that he wouldnt be seeing his dad for a while, because we had to sort this out. I would rather my little boy know his dad wont be there for a long while, than have is heart broken 3 fortnights out of 4. So, striaght away I applied to have mediation. I went in for my intake. And have heard NOTHING. Attempts have been made to contact J and he will not respond. I'm getting desperate. B is crying himself to sleep at night cos he misses his dad. I have even spoken to J's mother to see if she can talk some sense into him, but alas, J no longer speaks to his own mother, because she once visited my house to see her grandson! Im thinking that if he will throw away his relationship with his own mother, he would propbably do the same to his son.....This is not the outcome I was hoping for. I wanted him to step up and demand to see his son. All I was trying to do was get a gaurantee that he would do what he says he is gonna do. A gaurantee he will be there for his son. Instead he has turned this into an opportunity to relinquish all responsibility of him. B knows where his dad lives. I am thinking of getting him to write a letter to him and dropping it in his letterbox, or maybe ta king B to his dad's front door so he can at least ask him why.....it's so fucked up. I kinda wish I hadnt cancelled contact. At least B might be hurting less if I had kept it the way it was. I just wanted to make it better for him. It breaks my heart.
Our baby is now 3 months old. A gorgeous little boy, who made a dramatic entrance into the world. I went into labour naturally, made my way to hospital in the wee hours of the morning, things were going fine, except my waters were not quite right, so they decided to rupture the bag properly (it hadn't ruptured properly) so they could put a clip on my babies head to monitor him. I went from 6 cm dilated, to pushing! He was born in seconds......turns out he had pooed in utero and had inhaled it, and I gave birth to a limp, floppy, purple, not breathing baby. It was the scariest moment of my life. I went from pushing him out, to wondering if I would be planning his funeral........
Thankfully, he was resuscitated, he spent 5 days in the special care nursery, having tests etc. It was very hard to establish breastfeeding with this little one, as he was so exhausted from the trauma and was put on antibiotics which also made him sleepy, so I could only wake him for a couple mins at a time. It was a real struggle. He ended up having a nasal gastric tube put in and was basically force fed his milk, which I totally understand that he needed his nourishment, but it pissed me off after a while, as I saw it as him basically being given permission to not try. He could just lay there and sleep and have his belly filled with milk. On the 4th day, after he was finished with the antibiotics, his glucose level had risen back to normal, he had had all his shots and tests, and hadnt lost any weight, I convinced them to let me take him to my room and start the suck or starve method. He soon took to the breast :)
He is now laying in my lap, asleep on the boob as I type! Bless him.
I'm having trouble with my ex. My first son's father. We used to have an arrangement through a "contact center." Basically a place for ex's to use so they can have access to their children without having to have any contact at all with the other parent. He used to see him for 2 nights a fortnight. I'd drop my son off there and collect him from there two days later. However many many many times, his dad would cancel his visit at the last minute. I would get a phone call at 2pm from the contact center saying he had to cancel cos his boss wanted him to work on the weekend, when my son was due there at 4pm. B would get home from school and I would have to break it to him that his father had cancelled again. Countless times, I saw the heartbreak in my little boy's face. Countless times I had to deal with a hurt and angry child. Eventually I got sick of the cancellations, I would ask the people at the center to ask J to find a babysitter while he worked, or leave him with his girlfriend, who is a qualified childcarer, and I would be met with the response that they couldnt ask him to do that and if I wanted that, I would have to go through a lawyer! Eventually enough became enough. I am not his fucking puppet. He cant expect me to be okay with him cancelling all the time. Not to mention the pain he put my son through. So I stopped all contact. I told the contact center to tell him HE can go and see HIS fucking lawyer if he wants to see his son. I told my son that he wouldnt be seeing his dad for a while, because we had to sort this out. I would rather my little boy know his dad wont be there for a long while, than have is heart broken 3 fortnights out of 4. So, striaght away I applied to have mediation. I went in for my intake. And have heard NOTHING. Attempts have been made to contact J and he will not respond. I'm getting desperate. B is crying himself to sleep at night cos he misses his dad. I have even spoken to J's mother to see if she can talk some sense into him, but alas, J no longer speaks to his own mother, because she once visited my house to see her grandson! Im thinking that if he will throw away his relationship with his own mother, he would propbably do the same to his son.....This is not the outcome I was hoping for. I wanted him to step up and demand to see his son. All I was trying to do was get a gaurantee that he would do what he says he is gonna do. A gaurantee he will be there for his son. Instead he has turned this into an opportunity to relinquish all responsibility of him. B knows where his dad lives. I am thinking of getting him to write a letter to him and dropping it in his letterbox, or maybe ta king B to his dad's front door so he can at least ask him why.....it's so fucked up. I kinda wish I hadnt cancelled contact. At least B might be hurting less if I had kept it the way it was. I just wanted to make it better for him. It breaks my heart.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Moving on???
I am starting to despise him. I look at him and am not even attracted physically to him anymore. I realised this morning that I do love him, but I love him like you love an old friend, a friend with faults who you know and love and have made allowances for their faults. However, when it comes to our relationship and his fathering; I hate the fucking bastard. He is absent, closed, abusive, neglectful, selfish, childish and arrogant. He has no regard for my feelings. The fact I am due to give birth in 4 weeks has no effect on the way he treats me, I am expected to look after him like he is a child.......
I told him recently that I see the bigger picture and if he gets off the dope, he will surely be able to look into his future with a bit more clarity and see what needs to be done for our family......and he remarked
"for fucks sake, I ran away from home when I was 14 because I wasn't "allowed" to smoke dope."
OMFG! He is trapped in the mind of a 14 year old! He literally has not emotionally grown since he was a teenager! Yesterday's remark was something similar;
"I'm too old to be told what to do..."
"I'd be better off financially if I didn't have kids....."
"Gee it'll be nice when you go back to work...."
"fuck you, you sarcastic fucking bitch...."
I am starting to make peace with the fact that he really just doesn't care about the future of our family. I see myself as a single mother, and I'm starting to be okay with that. Of course it hurts, and I will probably resent him for a very long time, as he lied to me and fooled me and had me believe that all I had to do was prove to him that I wasn't going to abandon him and everything would work out fine. In reality, he is a childish fucking liar who fooled and deceived me. I committed myself to him, had two of his babies, looked after his other children like they are my own, and now will most likely end up alone. Of course I resent him, I despise him and when I can figure out how to do this on my own, he will be OUT. It's easier said than done. But far out, my life has got to be worth more than this. I deserve better. My kids DEFINITELY deserve better, and if I stay in this bullshit abusive relationship, I will be showing them that it's okay to put up with neglect and abuse. And that it's okay to "settle" for a shit life.
I told him recently that I see the bigger picture and if he gets off the dope, he will surely be able to look into his future with a bit more clarity and see what needs to be done for our family......and he remarked
"for fucks sake, I ran away from home when I was 14 because I wasn't "allowed" to smoke dope."
OMFG! He is trapped in the mind of a 14 year old! He literally has not emotionally grown since he was a teenager! Yesterday's remark was something similar;
"I'm too old to be told what to do..."
"I'd be better off financially if I didn't have kids....."
"Gee it'll be nice when you go back to work...."
"fuck you, you sarcastic fucking bitch...."
I am starting to make peace with the fact that he really just doesn't care about the future of our family. I see myself as a single mother, and I'm starting to be okay with that. Of course it hurts, and I will probably resent him for a very long time, as he lied to me and fooled me and had me believe that all I had to do was prove to him that I wasn't going to abandon him and everything would work out fine. In reality, he is a childish fucking liar who fooled and deceived me. I committed myself to him, had two of his babies, looked after his other children like they are my own, and now will most likely end up alone. Of course I resent him, I despise him and when I can figure out how to do this on my own, he will be OUT. It's easier said than done. But far out, my life has got to be worth more than this. I deserve better. My kids DEFINITELY deserve better, and if I stay in this bullshit abusive relationship, I will be showing them that it's okay to put up with neglect and abuse. And that it's okay to "settle" for a shit life.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
4 weeks to go.....
4 weeks to go til i'm due to give birth and things are still the same. he came home on the sunday after i had found out the awful truth about him injecting drugs again, I laid down the law (again) told him what he needs to do to build up my trust again, and 2 weeks later, its all back to the same old bullshit; he is not putting in the effort that I need to feel secure. For example: give up pot, give up cigs, let me know if he's not coming straight home, be there emotionally for me, be there physically and just hang with me, communicate with me honestly, pay the money he is supposed to give me every fortnight/week for food in full and on time, not go to certain people's houses, spend time with the kids. I know its only been 2 weeks and I cant expect most of these things to be immediate, but he is not even calling me after work to let me now he wont be home til after 8 cos he is at a mate's place smoking dope. I feel like my "demands" are a bit much, and I wouldnt normally be like this, but he betrayed me and I DON'T TRUST HIM, and he doesnt seem to care how much he hurts me. If I say anything about any of my issues, I get told I'm being a bitch and he is too old to be told what to do. He is 32 years old and stuck in the mind of a 16 year old. I'm sick of his self destructive behaviour.
Our agreement when it comes to money is that I pay the $350 a week rent and he gives me $350 in cash (he earns mostly cash in hand) to spend however much i need to on food and nappies and the rest I put towards our inevitable bills. Therefore in a roundabout way, we are going halves in the maintaining of our household yeah? So, as usual, he comes home this friday and I have to ask him for food money and he says, "I only have some of it" so I let it go and wait til the next day, write a small shopping list and ask him to take me to do the groceries (I don't have my license yet) and he says "cant it wait til Tuesday? I'm waiting for a cheque to clear."
Hm......can I wait til tuesday to buy milk for my 18 month old son???
So, I remind him he told me he has some of the food money and he tells me he only has $150 which he needs for his dope, smokes and petrol!!! FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!!
Why the fuck am I still here?
To top it off, I get told that I should go back to work after I have this baby, and I say "yes that would be great, I will then pay all the bills buy the food and you can continue to smoke your fucking dope" (sarcastically of course)
So, I'm now expected to cook, clean, maintain a household, raise my babies and work a full time job, so he can continue to live his self destructive life and destroy mine in the process!?!?!?!?!?!
This is a joke right? Is this really my life? Why am I doing this to myself and my kids? I have to get out of here. Or get him out of here. It sux tho, because I want him to want us around, and I have given him hundreds of "second chances" and it's really starting to hit home how little he cares.
He wont have sex with me when I ask him to. Again, this is my fault and have caused this, because, in his mind when we first got together, he "needed" it 2-3 times a day and couldnt function without sex. I however, had been sexually abused numerous times and ended up in hospital, very ill, and seeing a psychologist because of my negative associations surrounding sex and intimacy. I found it very difficult to be intimate, what with the flashbacks and negative feelings, but quite often did it anyway to please him. Yet he got it in his mind that me saying no to sex or having a lower sex drive than him was because I "must have been getting it somewhere else"
Now, 4 years down the track, I am still seeing my psychologist, dealing with my issues, doing the best I can to be the best partner I can possibly be. But now, I ask him to have sex with me or use a sex toy in the shower with me or just be intimate and he says
"no, you go ahead and play. you please yourself. You have "trained" me not to need it anymore. Thanks by the way for changing the way I think about sex, cos now I dont even really want to do it at all."
WTF!?!?!?! I trained him??? Oh god. I cant do this anymore.......
Our agreement when it comes to money is that I pay the $350 a week rent and he gives me $350 in cash (he earns mostly cash in hand) to spend however much i need to on food and nappies and the rest I put towards our inevitable bills. Therefore in a roundabout way, we are going halves in the maintaining of our household yeah? So, as usual, he comes home this friday and I have to ask him for food money and he says, "I only have some of it" so I let it go and wait til the next day, write a small shopping list and ask him to take me to do the groceries (I don't have my license yet) and he says "cant it wait til Tuesday? I'm waiting for a cheque to clear."
Hm......can I wait til tuesday to buy milk for my 18 month old son???
So, I remind him he told me he has some of the food money and he tells me he only has $150 which he needs for his dope, smokes and petrol!!! FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!!
Why the fuck am I still here?
To top it off, I get told that I should go back to work after I have this baby, and I say "yes that would be great, I will then pay all the bills buy the food and you can continue to smoke your fucking dope" (sarcastically of course)
So, I'm now expected to cook, clean, maintain a household, raise my babies and work a full time job, so he can continue to live his self destructive life and destroy mine in the process!?!?!?!?!?!
This is a joke right? Is this really my life? Why am I doing this to myself and my kids? I have to get out of here. Or get him out of here. It sux tho, because I want him to want us around, and I have given him hundreds of "second chances" and it's really starting to hit home how little he cares.
He wont have sex with me when I ask him to. Again, this is my fault and have caused this, because, in his mind when we first got together, he "needed" it 2-3 times a day and couldnt function without sex. I however, had been sexually abused numerous times and ended up in hospital, very ill, and seeing a psychologist because of my negative associations surrounding sex and intimacy. I found it very difficult to be intimate, what with the flashbacks and negative feelings, but quite often did it anyway to please him. Yet he got it in his mind that me saying no to sex or having a lower sex drive than him was because I "must have been getting it somewhere else"
Now, 4 years down the track, I am still seeing my psychologist, dealing with my issues, doing the best I can to be the best partner I can possibly be. But now, I ask him to have sex with me or use a sex toy in the shower with me or just be intimate and he says
"no, you go ahead and play. you please yourself. You have "trained" me not to need it anymore. Thanks by the way for changing the way I think about sex, cos now I dont even really want to do it at all."
WTF!?!?!?! I trained him??? Oh god. I cant do this anymore.......
Saturday, July 17, 2010
where to now?
Okay, so I'm new to blogging. I have started this because a friend of mine said it may be a good way to cope and deal with the mess of a life I am living.
I have been in a relationship with a man for 4 years. I am pregnant with our 2nd baby, but all up it will be child number 5 for us. I am due to give birth in 6 weeks.
Things have been pretty rocky for a while now, probably a year or more, but i have been hanging on so tightly, trying to make it work. I really do love him, but he blames me for everything, all our issues, all his faults, all our arguments, everything. It's all my fault apparently.
We recently had a family violence order (FVO) issued because of our fighting and his abuse toward me. He has served time in jail before for breaching an order. That was not when I was in his life, it was before I met him. When I did meet him, he was whacking up speed and treating himself really badly. But he fell in love with me and told me he would do anything to be with me including get off drugs. Which he did.
Yesterday I found out he has been back on the needles for probably more than 12 months. I cant get a straight answer from him, so I dont know exactly how long its been going on. He is being very quiet about it all. Not his usual way of defending himself. Usually I would be screamed at and abused and told I'm a worthless piece of shit. That's his way of defending himself. But he has been well and trully busted and is being very quiet.
I have told him before that he is a grown man and can chose to go back to his drugs if he wants, (he has expressed his desires before and made it clear he misses the rush of his needles) however if he chooses to do that, he is choosing a life without me and his kids in it. I trully believed him when he told me he loved me and would do what it takes to be a family. And now, 6 weeks away from having another baby. I am alone. I am scared. I am broken. Where to from here?
I have been in a relationship with a man for 4 years. I am pregnant with our 2nd baby, but all up it will be child number 5 for us. I am due to give birth in 6 weeks.
Things have been pretty rocky for a while now, probably a year or more, but i have been hanging on so tightly, trying to make it work. I really do love him, but he blames me for everything, all our issues, all his faults, all our arguments, everything. It's all my fault apparently.
We recently had a family violence order (FVO) issued because of our fighting and his abuse toward me. He has served time in jail before for breaching an order. That was not when I was in his life, it was before I met him. When I did meet him, he was whacking up speed and treating himself really badly. But he fell in love with me and told me he would do anything to be with me including get off drugs. Which he did.
Yesterday I found out he has been back on the needles for probably more than 12 months. I cant get a straight answer from him, so I dont know exactly how long its been going on. He is being very quiet about it all. Not his usual way of defending himself. Usually I would be screamed at and abused and told I'm a worthless piece of shit. That's his way of defending himself. But he has been well and trully busted and is being very quiet.
I have told him before that he is a grown man and can chose to go back to his drugs if he wants, (he has expressed his desires before and made it clear he misses the rush of his needles) however if he chooses to do that, he is choosing a life without me and his kids in it. I trully believed him when he told me he loved me and would do what it takes to be a family. And now, 6 weeks away from having another baby. I am alone. I am scared. I am broken. Where to from here?
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